Yoga Thoughts

Some things I think in yoga

-is this mat supposed to smell like this?

-I’m pretty sure my shirt is about to fall off…

-isn’t one sun salutation sufficient?

-I swear to god, if she says downward dog one more time….

-maybe you didn’t hear, there’s this thing called gravity, it has laws and I’m pretty sure you’re breaking about five of them right now

-nope, nope, nope

-why does nobody else’s face look like they’re in pain?

-ow, ow, ow, my thighs

-oh good, a modified version

-what is she even saying, who made up the names for all of these things?

-so much empathy for pretzels right now

-thank god for savasana

-I’m already lying on the floor, might as well take a nap

-i wonder if everyone can hear my thoughts, that would be awkward

-this place is like a cult, I better leave before they try to recruit me

A day is not enough

I don’t know how long it will take for me to find peace. To make amends with myself. Some days I question the validity of my happiness, my suffering, my anger. I guess we don’t know for sure what the next moment will bring, but we can do the best with what we are given.

Some days I choose wrong. Some days I fall down. Some day’s my best is not good enough for me.

But I’m okay.

It will take time, and I’m pretty sure I’ll never fully understand. Life is complicated, simple, devastating, and heart wrenchingly beautiful. I watched the sunset tonight, and for the first time it wasn’t just a moment in time, it was so many moments passed, and so many yet to come.

The world is unkind to those who sit idle,

they can’t see.

Our bruises covered by the sheets that wrap us tightly.

Our scars embedded deep beneath our skin.

But when gentle hands touch, and gentle lips kiss we can become whole once again.

Looking Ahead

Tomorrow I will carry myself through the day, gently, with patience.

No achievement is too small nor failure too great.

I will breathe deeply, stay calm, open my eyes, and take in everything life has to offer me.

I am strong, I am brave, I am me, and that’s more than enough.

Resolation

You never know how isolated you really are until you feel a connection to the world around you.

Is that why I feel a disconnect?

Is that the void I’m trying to fill – the absence of connection, a constant discomfort?

Am I trying to escape the feelings or create a placebo?

My world is turned upside-down until gravity loses its hold on me and I become one with the universe.

She is hurting

Darling it’s okay.

The sun will rise tomorrow

and we will get up together to face the day.

Anxiety

Trying to go to class. Dragging a pencil across paper. The minutes tick by in an agonizing haze. People are looking at me. People are following me. They want to hurt me. They want to touch me, I can feel them, disgusting, slimy hands drag across my back. I sit down and shake, feeling alone, feeling so little trust in a world that felt so safe a day ago. I want to go home. I have no home. I give in and cry. The pressure leaking from my eyes. The emotion welling up and spilling over.

You blindly stand on the edge of a diving board willing yourself to jump. Not knowing what’s at the bottom or how far the fall is.

I just want to sleep, to get out of my own head, to slip into a dream for awhile. Even a nightmare would be more comforting than this day has been.