the ones that wake you up in a cold sweat, shivering, you’ve taken off all of your clothes in your sleep, the disgusting dream clings to you, you get up, it’s two am, you take a shower, go back to sleep.
Then you finally wake up but the nightmare continues.
Home. Not my home, somebody else’s.
I spend so much time crying, or lost in my head. I’m losing track of the days.
I’m not wallowing in self-pity, or letting the sadness get the better of me. I’m just surviving it because that’s all I can do at this point.
Close my eyes and wait for it to be over.
Fuck the hard work for another bad grade. Fuck being afraid of going home. Fuck the thoughts that I have that tell me to purge even though I was starving before I ate. Fuck the sleepless nights. Fuck feeling like I’m worthless. Fuck the voices. Fuck having difficulties tolerating emotions. Fuck the pain. Fuck the loneliness. Fuck it all, because I know that I’m better than that.
Finals…stress… I’ve been studying for 12 hours and I feel like I remember nothing. I cried for like an hour last night because everything feels like it’s falling apart. I have two finals tomorrow and two papers due… fuck. I feel like people will say I told you so, I told you that you shouldn’t have gone to college, that you would fail, that you aren’t smart…I just don’t want to be a failure. I’m worried that I’ll get to the test, go numb, and fail it.
Don’t ever give a bulimic food.
We’ll take your love, shove it down, and then get rid of it because we feel so undeserving of it that we can’t stand to hold it inside.
It hurts to know that I can’t accept people’s love.