Climbing Higher

My sister decided to go inpatient again today. I was so relieved I cried. Recovery is hard, but making the choice to try again is probably hardest.

For me, I’m in limbo between a full-blown relapse and full recovery, just in the middle.

As for today gonna crush this V5, get some schoolwork done, and read a book I’ve been wanting to for awhile.

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There are times when all the food in the world could not fill me, and there are times when I can’t even stand the sight of it much less put the foul stuff in my mouth.

Now the first statement stands. I feed the sadness, the greed, the confusion, the loneliness, the anger, the regret, the guilt, the shame, and the anxiety. I am feeding my family of feelings. They gather round the table vying for my attention.

I am afraid that if I stop feeding them that they will revolt and I’ll be overtaken.

Maybe it’s this fog, maybe there are things lurking in it that I didn’t see before, maybe it’s not as harmless as I thought.

Today I feel strong, powerful, intelligent, and collected.

Through the fog that surrounds me I am still standing. I won’t let it get in my way. And while my vision is blurred by the unreality that engulfs me I can still feel.

 

I’m home.

This is my new home, for the next three and a half years that is. It didn’t feel like home before but now I think it’s starting to grow on me.

I can’t go back there, not for a long time anyway. Winter break was so draining, I’m not sure i’ll survive summer back there. Although, I would like to take a train home- see the country from the window- then maybe organize all of my stuff, keep the personal stuff, get rid of the rest.

I think that being back made me realize how much pain that place holds. I spent so much time crying I could have taken a bath in my tears. Old memories, feelings, thoughts. Some that I can’t even remember. My body knows. My heart knows. I think that my soul knows what it wants but it’s so buried under the mess of my fears and doubts that I can’t find it.

Anyway, I’m so glad to be here. A huge weight has been lifted and I can finally take in the world around me instead of hiding from it.

 

Recap

Winter Break: I am exhausted. My “vacation” has left me physically and mentally drained. I am depressed, confused, and disappointed. I want to go back to school more than anything, but the first week will be difficult – hearing everyone talk about break, being asked how mine was. I’ll lie (of course) “it was pretty good, I worked, spent time with family”. I leave in five days. Five days too many. Five days too few. I’m almost in a state of shock, being thrown into old stuff, having to cope, then thrown back into my my new life. It’s chaotic. Worst of all though is the feeling that I didn’t get a break. I’m working when I’m here. My guard is always up. I am constantly processing and reliving and coping. I can’t even begin to think about summer break, it scares me. But at least i’ll be able to go back knowing that I did the best that I could and I made it through – a little shaken up but alive.

Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it…..

It’s  happening again. I just need to hold on, don’t let them win, don’t let myself down, don’t give in to temptation.

I’m not sure what’s going on with me right now…..