Finding Recovery

I can’t remember the last post I made. It must have been a while ago because the last month and a half I’ve been in treatment. Residential and then php. I’m going home in a few days and I’m pretty fucking afraid. I’m afraid of what will happen if I let myself slip. I’m afraid that my family might pull me down. I’m afraid that my best friend will realize that he doesn’t like me anymore and stop talking to me. It’s a lot of future-tripping but I can’t help but worry.

I have a lot of new skills to fall back on. Treatment has lead to new meds, new skills, new fears, and some acceptance about my situation.

I don’t want to be sick anymore. I don’t want to be in the hospital when I could be climbing or studying. I want to be excited about life again. I think I will be but for now I just need to make it through the next few weeks. I can’t let this fucking sickness take over my head again. I have worked too hard to give up now. I can’t pick and choose the parts of recovery that I want, it doesn’t work that way. I just need to grit my teeth and do the work until it becomes my new normal.

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