Disclosure

This has been the hardest few days of maybe my life, I have been crying non-stop. It’s not the fact that I have an incurable STD. It’s the fact that I have never talked about it to anyone. This is because my family always taught me shame- don’t tell your friends, your school, your other family members, your doctors (other than your specialist)….etc. Society shames people with STD’s and teaches us that we are dirty. My virus does not cause me discomfort, I am healthy, and it is currently in an inactive state. I see a specialist once a year to check my levels and that’s it. I have a normal life expectancy and can do any activity any other person can do. I can kiss people, hold hands, and share food and drinks without fear of giving someone what I have. But the fact that I could have given the best man I’ve ever dated something because of my fears is selfish. It is unacceptable and I am so very sorry that he has to go through the anxiety and stress while he waits to get tested. He has probably been vaccinated and his chance of getting it is very small. But, will he still want to see me, will he trust me? That’s up for him to decide, and I respect his decision. He said he is glad that I told him even though he wished I had told him sooner. Now I am just waiting, waiting for a text or call from him to see if he is negative for the virus and/or if he wants to keep seeing me. I am filled with despair, it’s finals and I’m not sure I will be able to take my exam or do well on it. In fact I might go home today. But if anything each disclosure after this one will only get easier. I took a big step and did the responsible thing in the end. I am just filled with grief for what I’ve done. I hope some day he will forgive me.

Bravery

Last night I committed my greatest act of bravery. I called my significant other and disclosed my sexual status to him. There have been times we have not used protection. The guilt was cutting at me like a knife, it was immoral, stupid, and honestly irresponsible. He told me he wish I told him sooner, but that everything would be okay. I think this won’t ruin everything. I am still afraid that he will leave me, but it will be because I did the right thing. I am turning a new leaf and I want to be the better person. If someone cannot accept my status then they are not the person for me. I am just so so grateful for my doctor, therapist, friends, and partner for helping me through this.