I am empty, and I know that there is nothing in this world that could fill this void right now.

Love

My mother taught me how to love.

Screaming, shouting, breaking things, grabbing me, cold stares….

to me, this is love.

Affection is a lie. Affection is refreezing a melted popsicle and pretending it’s still the same shape. Affection is putting a bandaid on a festering wound. Affection is pretending everything is okay when it’s not.

Affection repulses me, just like my mother.

We don’t matter. Every single person in this universe is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if we exist. For this reason one has to find meaning in life that is relevant to them. Their own purpose, their own set of values, and reason to wake up in the morning.

I’m trying to find enthusiasm in life, and I have in several areas. Climbing, writing, reading, and art.

I think that acceptance of ones insignificance in life is a huge step to finding what matters to them. Imagine- what would you do if nothing you did mattered to anyone? It’s a personal project of sorts. In my opinion life should revolve around self-discovery, investigation, joy, spirituality, nature, and balance. Once you find peace within yourself you can extend yourself to the service of others without fear of personal loss.

I’m still working on my existence, but I hope to find a balance that feels right for me.

Juggling

My thoughts have thoughts

Mocking, jokes, interjections.

It’s just too loud, like trying to handle several conversations at once

I better practice my juggling skills

The Chameleon

My anxiety manifests itself in many ways. It’s like a chameleon. It tries to fool.

Tries to look like another problem.

Disguising itself, morphing into twisted states of mind.

I never know what’s coming next.

He’s watching me.

Outside my window. I know he’s there. I bet he’s climbing up the wall. Going to try to come in the window. Lock the windows. Lock the Door. I wish my roommate was here. Anybody….

Making Connections

Having trouble connecting with people and caring about them is not a defect in character. It doesn’t mean that you’re heartless. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have a conscience.

It’s just a challenge. And sometimes it’s hard to see people around you connecting, doing what you are seemingly failing to do.

I’m not perfect. I have a hard time connecting in ways that I feel are socially appropriate. But I’m learning to trust myself and other people. I tend to judge my feelings instead of accepting them.

I won’t magically gain the ability to connect with people overnight. But in the meantime, I can be patient with myself, observant, and nonjudgmental.

Stranger in the Mirror

You look into the mirror and don’t recognize the person looking back at you.

Her face is blank. Gazing at you with an expressionless stare.

You try to smile but her face remains unmoved.

You get scared, who is that monster, what is she doing with my body?

You try to cry but the tears are trapped behind her eyes.

Give me my body back. Please. I’m Scared.

“Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.”

-Mark Twain